Name five things that were unexpected in your life that you are now grateful for.


My husband: When I moved to Nome, AK, I was set on staying for a year, maybe two and then going to seminary, from grace to grace. My prior dating experience said to me that I was probably not a person who would get married. It wasn’t about standards, but that I just didn’t seem to meet a guy who could keep up with me, much less occasionally set the pace. One night in October 2002, a guy spoke to a friend of mine in the Anchor Tavern in Nome and I turned around on my bar stool to join the conversation. Four days later, I ran into the same guy when he was flying Senator Ted Stevens to the island of Little Diomede and I was going along as a reporter. We ran into each other again at my house Halloween party and then off and on until he asked me out on 2 January 2003. And I guess we’ve never looked back. But I never saw it coming. 


My son: Yes, I know how it happened, but we weren’t trying. We weren’t surprised at the situation, so much as the timing, but we were excited about Beloved Son from the moment we knew. (Overwhelmed, but excited.) Now I couldn’t imagine life without this giggling surge of energy, tracking me around the house with stories to read, throwing things (spoons! shoes! the dog’s bowl!) into flower pots. (We keep the door to the bathroom CLOSED!) He’s into everything and he thinks it’s all hysterical. Everything is new and everything (almost) is fun. And I’m very grateful for his enthusiasm and love. 


XX, my autism intervention client: When I started at a 4-year school, I chose one that did a specific method of autism intervention, focusing on basic skills, repetition and positive reinforcement. I loved the work, but it was very, very frustrating. Since I do not have a child with special needs, it is difficult to imagine the day in and day out stress of that situation. Thus I am not judging the mother of this client when it seemed like she was undermining our progress. We would work to get him to use a spoon, she’d let him eat with his hands. We were working on “putting away”, she wanted to work on opening Christmas presents. As sympathetic as I tried to be, I felt frustrated. I remember leaving after a session and having a clear vision of only being able to do this kind of work for 7 or 8 years before being too tired, frustrated and burned out from the struggle to teach and to match goals. Releasing my vision of myself as Special Needs Therapist Extraordinaire made room for me to muse about my interest in religion and the recent appearance of the phrase “discernment” in conversations I was having. I hope that client and his family reached some of their goals and that they are all doing well. They taught me that it is possible to love something, but realize it’s not for you. 


Medical technology: You don’t always know you appreciate it until you need it. My father survived a surgery and healing of a broken neck. My son and I did not die when he became lodged in my pelvis. I’m glad we live in this day and age. I was grateful at the time. I’m far more grateful now. 


My best friend: We met working at a summer camp in NC in the summer of 2001. We connected, but I don’t think either of us had any concept of how much more deeply we would go. Nine and a half years later, we’re still supporting each other. We’re planning a big event for ourselves next year- a milestone birthday for both of us and our ten-year anniversary. Break-ups, deaths, moves, job changes, graduations, pets, birth, deployments… this friend has always been there. I think the thing that I appreciate about this relationship is that we know how much work we’ve put into it. Sometimes people make it seem like a friendship is effortless, but I think any close relationship takes work. We’ve had to learn how to be honest with one another, how to speak up for what we need,  to remember connections that bring the past into the future’s light. My first memory of her is during camp orientation, I see her sitting in a chair, telling us how to pronounce WIS-consin and finger- knitting. We’ve come a long way, though I know she’d still run me over to get to Justin Timberlake. 😉 

This morning I decided to come up with new lyrics for Old 100th or the Doxology for use during our children’s service. I love “praise God from whom all blessings flow”, but it’s hard to explain some of those concepts to a 3-year-old. I was trying to keep the same scan (number of syllables in time to the music), but I kept trying out different sentences. This floated to the top of my consciousness several times today until I finally solved the problem.

At one point, I was showering at the gym when I realized, I was singing to myself, not opera-style, but loudly enough that people nearby could hear me. I didn’t stop, though, but kept going.

The novelty in this sentence isn’t that I kept singing, it’s that I was doing it in the shower at the gym. The gym that I have managed to visit every day this week.

Like so many people, I’ve made many resolutions about getting in better shape. I’ve joined gyms before. And I’ve never made it past about a week and a half. The effort would get to me. I wouldn’t make the time and I’d always have excuses.

However, in mid-October, I decided I was done with that. I sought a new gym location. I made a new plan. I wear my workout clothes out of the house every day. The idea was that even if I didn’t workout, I was still developing a habit. I’ve now worked out consistently for 3 weeks and I feel like a commercial.

I have more energy!

I have more stamina!

I feel stronger!

I’m happier!

In all honesty, I realized the other day that I haven’t wanted to lay down on my couch and take a nap for a few weeks. And I’m really looking forward to working out. In fact, I feel disappointed when I realize I need to quit what I’m doing and get to work.

Which brings me back to my original point. I don’t entirely know how, but my mind works in a different way when I’m exercising. It’s like I can feel the synapses firing with new frequency and connections. Problems turn in my head and surface and I feel things coming to light. Exercise is helping me be better at my job.

This is still a new discipline for me, but the fact that I’m enjoying myself is going a long way toward becoming a habit.

New lyrics:

Thank God for everyone I know
For sky above and earth below
Thank God for moon and stars and sun
Thank God for family, food and fun.

Revhipchick discusses her “conundrum of preaching” here and I confess I could relate to many of her comments about wondering about how to preach.

There have been many times where I felt tingly because I knew what I was preaching was so true and so focused, probably the best I could do as a human being trying to receive and channel the Spirit. And no one said anything afterwards. No one blinked. No one fell out into in the aisle, slain in the Spirit. No one shouted, “Amen.” So maybe I was wrong.

Then there are times when I feel like my examples aren’t meaningful to me, the connections are so-so, the upshot feels a little platitudinous and people love it. I see eyes surreptitiously wiped and receive comments days later about how people are still thinking about the sermon.

That’s when I know it’s not all me. It’s not even mostly me.

Yet, with preaching, it can feel a lot like mostly me doing the work.

I’ve asked people what they’d like to hear about. (Asking what you’d like to hear about is different that asking what you’d like to hear.) More history? Theology? Church doctrine? Modern parables? Explanations? Apologetics?

I think it’s easy to forget that, in the scope of history, it has only been a short time since the pastor had all the church power and made unilateral decisions. Though the work of the church has always been the work of God’s people, it’s only been a short time that all God’s people have been invited into that work. That all people are afforded access, to the best of their ability, to the tools of a Bible, dictionaries, histories, commentaries and… Wikipedia.

Preaching changes as people have more information. In a world of facts and time demands, the slow wait and mystery of faith can be frustrating rather than intriguing. A pastor’s dance through what we know to be true and what we believe to be true can seem like tap-dancing rather than honest admission. And, despite the best efforts of many, people still look for ways to assure themselves of having achieved salvation. (Or, in some cases, assure themselves of being in the process of santification.)

And preaching has to deal with all these realities.

Most preachers have a tune. A basic melody that undergirds their sermons. Overtime, you’ll see the wind-up and hear it comes…

Mine is this: “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation. will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

All my preaching gets back to that. And, I hope and pray every time, that at least one person hears that, through the help of the Spirit, in their heart.

Our society, in general, does not deal well with grief. By our society, I mean mainstream, contemporary American society- the only location from which I am (semi-) qualified to speak. After the funeral ends, we may make a couple obligatory phone calls. We may make an effort to visit the bereaved. Yet, more often, we think about how we should do something, anything, and then it remains undone because we worry about what to say or what to do.

When we are grieving, we often are surprised at the length and depth and breadth of the feeling of loss. The world doesn’t stop turning and, yet, nothing feels right. Nothing will slow down to mark the time-stop we feel. And that feeling goes on for a long time.

That being said, we do at least have some ways of acknowledging the death of people and  more and more frequently there are rituals to marks the death of pets, changes in life, anniversaries of grief, etc.

Yet there are pockets where it’s very difficult to publicly acknowledge grief. There are situations for which there seems to be no ritual and, even if people want one- they’re not sure how to ask.

The main situation of which I’m thinking is miscarriage. The loss of a pregnancy- known or unknown.

The Mayo Clinic says 15- 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. Since a miscarriage is a spontaneous loss of pregnancy in the first 20 weeks, there’s no way to tell how many miscarriages may actually occur in the first weeks of pregnancy.

This means one in five (1/5) women who become pregnant in their lifetime will likely have a miscarriage.

When this happens, there are many mixed feelings.

If a woman is uncertain about her pregnancy, a little overwhelmed at the idea or her circumstances, the loss can make her feel guilty and, perhaps, a little relieved- which may compound her feelings of guilty.

A woman who has struggled to become pregnant may be devastated at the loss of a life she hoped would grow. She may wonder what’s wrong with her. She may second guess every move she made.

Even the most matter-of-fact woman who miscarries before she knows she’s pregnant may feel a wistfulness at what could have been.

And there are many, many, many other scenarios and reactions.

Often, we learn of the miscarriages experienced by the women around us after we have one of our own. (Or someone in our close circle does.) It’s then that the stories come out. Worries that have been expressed only to partners and spouses or sisters or mothers suddenly find the light of day.

Grief over a miscarriage is most frequently deeply personal and, usually, private. Yet, when we don’t occasionally discuss life events like this, people who experience them can feel alone. Not everyone is going to have the same experience and, of course, there is a time and place for discussion.

Still, there must be a way to speak of these kinds of things. To share our grief. To carry one another’s burdens, so that we reduce the feelings of guilt. So that we acknowledge that these things happen, frequently. We have to learn to sit with, stay with the grief until it ebbs. Not trying to wash it away with a slurry of easy comments, statistics or biological guesswork. We can speak truth to the power of this kind of grief- to its fellow travelers of fear, anxiety, guilt and hopelessness.

We may not like death, but we cannot pretend it doesn’t happen. By acknowledging the deaths and hurts that do occur in our lives, we can begin to put away the cloak of invisibility that doesn’t really work anyway. In walking with one another, we can come to a deeper understanding of what it means to live and to die together.

Creating God,

You are the God of what has been, what is and what will be. You know the potential within each of us. We believe that You grieve when we fail to reach that potential from our very first days to our very last. With the consoling presence of your Spirit, bring peace to those who mourn, assurance to those who are anxious, restoration to those who feel torn apart. Help us to sense your Presence in our lives and to share that same Presence with those around us. We ask all these things through Jesus Christ, through whom we are united to unfailing love, now and forever.

Amen.

AFTER THE TURBULENCE OF THE DAY

After the turbulence of the day,
thank you for sending the peacefulness of the night.
How blessed the peace of the night,
so still,
that the very tones
of mountain and skyscraper
lose their jutty, harsh aspect
and bathe in thrilling stillness.

Let us not ruminate upon
the disagreeable scenes of the day.
Let us not rehearse
injustices,
bitter, hard words,
coarse actions.

Mindful, Father,
of your infinite patience with us,
your infinite goodness,
we ask you to help us
never to harbour a single drop
of hatred, or resentment,
or bitterness
against anyone.

Fill us
with your limitless mercy.

— Helder Camara

Camara, Helder.”After the turbulence of the Day”.  Robert Van de Weyer. The HarperCollins Book of Prayers. HarperSanFrancisco, 1993. p. 82f

2005, taken by Julia (Dunlap) Seymour

At a recent ecumenical event, the following translation of the 23rd Psalm was used. It comes from the New American Bible.

The previous post about David and Jonathan got me to thinking about Saul. There is a certain sadness to the story of Saul. He’s anointed by Samuel to be Israel’s first king. (1 Sam. 9-10) Unfortunately, Saul can’t always follow God’s directions and doesn’t destroy the Amalekites with the thoroughness that God demanded and expected. (1 Sam. 15) His failure to trust and obey causes God to regret choosing him as king and God’s regret puts Samuel into mourning, because he had high hopes for Saul. (1 Sam. 15:10ff)

Long story less long, just before David enters the scene, we read the scene between Samuel and Saul, wherein Saul finds out what’s happened:

Saul said to Samuel, ‘I have sinned; for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. Now therefore, I pray, pardon my sin, and return with me, so that I may worship the Lord.’ Samuel said to Saul, ‘I will not return with you; for you have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you from being king over Israel.’ As Samuel turned to go away, Saul caught hold of the hem of his robe, and it tore. And Samuel said to him, ‘The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you this very day, and has given it to a neighbor of yours, who is better than you. Moreover, the Glory of Israel will not recant or change his mind; for he is not a mortal, that he should change his mind.’ Then Saul said, ‘I have sinned; yet honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and return with me, so that I may worship the Lord your God.’ So Samuel turned back after Saul; and Saul worshipped the Lord. (1 Samuel 15:24- 31)

So David, our boy hero, makes his entrance into the story when Samuel anoints him and when he, subsequently, goes to soothe Saul’s troubled mind with his music. That’s right, David shows up to comfort Saul- the newly anointed consoling the one abandoned by God’s Spirit.

Did that last phrase seem a little harsh? Read on:

Now the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him. And Saul’s servants said to him, ‘See now, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you. Let our lord now command the servants who attend you to look for someone who is skilful in playing the lyre; and when the evil spirit from God is upon you, he will play it, and you will feel better.’ So Saul said to his servants, ‘Provide for me someone who can play well, and bring him to me.’ One of the young men answered, ‘I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite who is skilful in playing, a man of valor, a warrior, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence; and the Lord is with him.’ So Saul sent messengers to Jesse, and said, ‘Send me your son David who is with the sheep.’ Jesse took a donkey loaded with bread, a skin of wine, and a kid, and sent them by his son David to Saul. And David came to Saul, and entered his service. Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer. Saul sent to Jesse, saying, ‘Let David remain in my service, for he has found favor in my sight.’ And whenever the evil spirit from God came upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand, and Saul would be relieved and feel better, and the evil spirit would depart from him. (1 Samuel 16:14-23)

The spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and yet something remains to torment him. We could say that the understanding of the time was that the torment he experienced was God’s judgment. True enough, but while I’m loathe to place the framework of modern, Western psychoses on ancient stories, I’m inclined to say that our man Saul had God’s judgment and it made him capital Depressed. (You need to draw that out a little… DEE- pressed.) And so he moped around the castle, needing a faint soundtrack of New Age harps to go with his mood.

While Saul remains in the place of the king, he already knows, through Samuel, that he’s lost the Lord’s favor and he’s just waiting for his replacement. He’s a lame-duck king and he’s lost in a landslide through the only voter with power.

For the biblical story, the reminder is to hold God’s commandments close and to realize that distance in your relationship with the Holy is because of your actions, not God’s.

For our own interpretation, this story brings up another point with which to wrestle. If Saul is tormented by an “evil Spirit from the Lord” and we recognize his behavior as depressed (and later a little manic)- are we to believe that mental illness is caused by evil spirits or, even more difficult, by God?

Of course not, you say, “We know so much now about brain chemistry, post-traumatic stress, workplace anxiety, depression through life change, etc. How could anyone say God causes mental illness?” (And if Saul didn’t wasn’t affected by at least 3 out of 4 of those, I’ll eat a DSM.) In our modern context, we view mental illness as more organic than spiritual, even when it can have a spiritual dimension.

It’s important to remember that people struggle with mental illness, from what seems common place like depression or chemical dependence to less common things like schizophrenia or avoidant personality disorder. In that struggle, it is easy to feel abandoned by God, as well as those around you. When you can’t make sense of your world, there is an additional grief, which can make you feel like you’ve failed. If your world includes a system where in goodness is a reward from God, then your apparent not-goodness is either a curse or, at the very least, God withdrawing God’s blessing.

People of faith must be vigilant in love toward those around us, not always being aware of who longs for a song from the harp to soothe their soul and quiet their demons. Words of blessing are better than nosy questions. Specific offers of help are better than waiting to be asked or worrying over doing the right thing.

We look to Saul, who sank without the Spirit of the Lord. He struggled until, at last, he fell on his sword to keep from being humiliated in death at the hands of the Philistines. Even to the last, he fought for God’s people and, likely, for God’s favor.

We who believe that we are in God’s favor through Jesus Christ must remain ever vigilant to share that same good news with those around us who struggle, in whatever ways present themselves through the Spirit.